Skip to main content

A new year!



I think I'm depressed. 


Today is the second day of January. In the year of our Lord, 2017. 


It takes some getting used to. Especially when the past year has stretched you so wide, your good experiences far in between, such that you never thought it would end. 


2017.
The year of the redeemed. The year of change. Increase. Transformation. Dubai. Project work. Boyfriend. Possible liberation. Freedom - if only you could call it that. 


2017.

In the wee hours leading to the break of the new year, I am in church. Along with a multitude that only appears on Easter, Christmas, and the famed 31st night. We are in white, sojourners crossing over into the Promised Land. 

Of regrets and retrogression, broken promises, dreams, failed resolutions and overstepped boundaries.



                          

For some, this is the year of the girlfriend. The year they'll finally be ripped and ready to ask "Wanna go on a date with me?"  


For Opana too ah, this is the year of "3y3. Mabr3. Nipa b3 y33 bi..." 


For me, this is the year I fight my eating disorder, self-arrange and let go of bad habits and addictions. 


Or so we thought. 

Our church lights dim and finally go out in anticipation of the countdown. The projector lights up the cathedral with the digits, fast paced, racing toward release. 


20, 19, 7, 4, 3, 2, 1. 


Happy New Year! <insert streamers and firecrackers>


Someone yanks my hand from behind and shakes it vigorously. An hour ago he was fast asleep. 


Me too I try to look fastidious, then attempt joy, then smile, and finally slump back into my depression. 
  


I once heard someone say on TV that silence, sometimes is a cry for help. I laughed at the oxymoron. I don't watch TV anymore. 



I'm wondering if anyone can see that I'm not excited, 


"Ah, is this your new year look?", "Are you sick? "


"No. I'm just really depressed. And tired. I want to sleep and never wake up again. This life is too much for me. I'm so... Alone." 


"Nah, I'm good. Happy New year!" here, take a hug and leave me alone.


Phone pings. Text message. 

Smile. Edit smile. I'm not smiling. Why am I lying?

"Happy New Year. Be new." 

Come for a picture. 




*The flash on your night camera is too bright. I feel naked. Your raucous laughter is making me sick. Be happy, just not around me.
*Where can I find someone to have intelligent conversation with?*


Oh yeah, that guy. 

Enter. Repeat. 

I want to sleep. 


Mama, I miss you. Where are you?


Mind: Seriously? This is no time for weakness. She's dead. You're alone. Face it. 


Won't anyone talk to me? 


Fast forward: A day later. 

Holiday. Home. Sleep. Chores. I cut myself cleaning our gutter. Blood. Fascinates for about two seconds. Back to the matter. Wizkid is crooning in my ear. Maybe radio wasn't the best choice after all.



               


Sleep, more sleep. 


"So you won't bathe eh?" 


This cross is too heavy to bear. 


Side note; I'm sure if I made resolutions, I've already broken them. 



I can't stay.







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

MAMA

When realisation hit Torshie, she was drinking gari - a pinch of salt, some sugar. Her mother was dead. She blinked. She tried to remember why.             What was making her remember? Was it the gari? She looked down at her meal. It was a white mix of cassava flakes; gari, water, sugar, some salt. The answer glared. There was no milk. No groundnuts. No love, Nothing. Then, and only then, did she cry. Rivulets of unshed steam and brine, pouring down her face. She touched them, amazed at where this pain and gut-wrenching feeling was coming from. She was crying hard. Crying for all those times she'd been clear-eyed. Making up for all those times she'd been obstinate - when she'd refused an opportunity to grieve freely without being judged. She saw the day Mama had died. Her bony body lying still, and she had not shed a single tear. The night before the fu...
Post a Comment
Read more

AMAZEBALLS! ! !

Yay! Yay! Yipee! Hurray! *Ye da Nyame Ase o!* Today is a good day, people. Thank you all for the support. You guys – and girls – are amazing. Thank you for being amazing. And oh, did I mention you were amazing? We hit 500+ reads today! I should drink tea to celebrate. You should share the link to celebrate. *insert winking emoji* You rock. Seriously, you rock. P.S: On a more serious note though, thank you all for being so nice to me. You deserve a giant hug. And, if any of you is dealing with any difficulty today, please remember that there is a time and a season for everything under the sun – Ecclesiastes 3. Don’t forget that the Lord will never leave, nor forsake you, but with the temptation and/or trial, provide a way for escape. Trust God. Believe God. He’s never failed, and he sure won’t start now. Pretend I’m not low-key quoting Oceans right now ;) Proverbs 16:3-4 “ GOD made everything with a place and purpose...
Post a Comment
Read more

)D) (EP 4)

Teejay was on cloud nine. Esinam had cornered him after prep last night. And as always, she had been brutally direct - something he admired her greatly for. Talking to her had been a problem because you see, Esinam was "hard". Really hard. And it didn't help that she was one of the best students in class. *After prep* His Gateway to English 1 was missing. Flustered, he waved his friends away, they could take the lead, he'll come by later. When he finally found the cursed book, it was wedged between his seat and Harry's. Good grief. He didn't notice her until she was right in front of him. "So you told Melanie to do *'betweener' for you eh?" She laughed that cute laugh. She realized how her laugh had echoed and looked around for any passers-by who might've overheard her. "Is it true what she said though?" – There was a long hiatus during which she lowered her head. ...
Post a Comment
Read more