A new year!

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I think I'm depressed. 


Today is the second day of January. In the year of our Lord, 2017. 


It takes some getting used to. Especially when the past year has stretched you so wide, your good experiences far in between, such that you never thought it would end. 


2017.
The year of the redeemed. The year of change. Increase. Transformation. Dubai. Project work. Boyfriend. Possible liberation. Freedom - if only you could call it that. 


2017.

In the wee hours leading to the break of the new year, I am in church. Along with a multitude that only appears on Easter, Christmas, and the famed 31st night. We are in white, sojourners crossing over into the Promised Land. 

Of regrets and retrogression, broken promises, dreams, failed resolutions and overstepped boundaries.



                          

For some, this is the year of the girlfriend. The year they'll finally be ripped and ready to ask "Wanna go on a date with me?"  


For Opana too ah, this is the year of "3y3. Mabr3. Nipa b3 y33 bi..." 


For me, this is the year I fight my eating disorder, self-arrange and let go of bad habits and addictions. 


Or so we thought. 

Our church lights dim and finally go out in anticipation of the countdown. The projector lights up the cathedral with the digits, fast paced, racing toward release. 


20, 19, 7, 4, 3, 2, 1. 


Happy New Year! <insert streamers and firecrackers>


Someone yanks my hand from behind and shakes it vigorously. An hour ago he was fast asleep. 


Me too I try to look fastidious, then attempt joy, then smile, and finally slump back into my depression. 
  


I once heard someone say on TV that silence, sometimes is a cry for help. I laughed at the oxymoron. I don't watch TV anymore. 



I'm wondering if anyone can see that I'm not excited, 


"Ah, is this your new year look?", "Are you sick? "


"No. I'm just really depressed. And tired. I want to sleep and never wake up again. This life is too much for me. I'm so... Alone." 


"Nah, I'm good. Happy New year!" here, take a hug and leave me alone.


Phone pings. Text message. 

Smile. Edit smile. I'm not smiling. Why am I lying?

"Happy New Year. Be new." 

Come for a picture. 




*The flash on your night camera is too bright. I feel naked. Your raucous laughter is making me sick. Be happy, just not around me.
*Where can I find someone to have intelligent conversation with?*


Oh yeah, that guy. 

Enter. Repeat. 

I want to sleep. 


Mama, I miss you. Where are you?


Mind: Seriously? This is no time for weakness. She's dead. You're alone. Face it. 


Won't anyone talk to me? 


Fast forward: A day later. 

Holiday. Home. Sleep. Chores. I cut myself cleaning our gutter. Blood. Fascinates for about two seconds. Back to the matter. Wizkid is crooning in my ear. Maybe radio wasn't the best choice after all.



               


Sleep, more sleep. 


"So you won't bathe eh?" 


This cross is too heavy to bear. 


Side note; I'm sure if I made resolutions, I've already broken them. 



I can't stay.







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