JUST BREATHE...

I stew sometimes.

Not like the familiar simmering and eventual bubble one is used to when it comes to the favoured term, stew. But more like an insipid flow that seems unlikely to have any direction at all, then finally bursts into resolution – then back down to a confused “what was that about?”

My stewing has got to do with a lot of things – sometimes caused by interpersonal relationships, but more so my failure at navigating them successfully.

I stew; with nothing constructive in sight because my brain has the attention span of a puppy with ADHD. Stewing for me seems less problematic than engaging people on the things that rub me off in the wrong way, & sometimes fights end more victoriously in your mind than they ever would in person.

Just pure despair...

I would love combat with the people I stew about, turning rude quips and insults into whimpering cowardice once they realise I am not the one to mess with. But in my mind.

Nobody has got the time to throw a punch, not with these deflated haemoglobin levels – a girl is very low on iron, LOL

And quite honestly, the suck in my punch holds as much weight as a promise from a political candidate aspiring to Ghanaian government.

I stew; and then think about the right thing, often with my late mother’s voice in my head saying cliché things like,

“I raised you better than this,” or “They’re human too, you know?” and the favoured “Imagine if God did the same thing to you every time you wronged Him.” 

But my mother has been dead for more than 12 years now, and I’m sure the voice I hear is my conscience, reminding me it’s still there.

Because you see, my mind is a battlefield, filled with bloated bodies strewn in a display of disgraced trotro mates and handsy phone-swap guys at Circle. And that cousin that tried once, very arduously, to get me in his lap.

And those aunts and uncles that always had a bad word to spare, but none when it came to responsibility.

People thinking they know more about me, my life & how I’m living it than I do, making assumptions and whispering things about me founded on the low balls of what they would do if they were in my position.

And the men I’ve sat in interview rooms with who have called later to say,

“You look like you’d do a good job. How old are you again? Can we discuss over dinner?”,

even though I’ve interviewed and been shortlisted 3 times and taken an aptitude test. 

The ones that seem to believe that because my voice sounds soft & I look nervous and sometimes childlike, I’ll be easy prey.

I kill them all. In very grotesque ways I’ve seen only in comic books and the Spartans movies.

I have room for a lot more.

But the point of this is, I stew. And for once in a while, even for a short while, I would love to stop, erase and press “Blank”.

So this violence brought on by violations on my mind and my body can rest. And these liberties I have taken with myself and which others have taken with me,

“Oh she’s quiet,”

“Nah, she’s too loud,”

“Hey, Blackie, bra ha,”

“I really love you, you know,”

“You know difficult children die young, right?”

“Maadjoa!!!”

“You’re a precocious child”

“Can you shift your pant for me?” – at 6 years old – sitting in a barber’s chair in Kaneshie unsure what the position of my panties under my dress, have to do with the haircut I’m getting

“I said speak the truth!” – before the slap … can rest.

Notes: 

I was very angry when I wrote this & needed someway to dump some of that anger. I have hit moments like these feeling like my existence somehow always presents a disappointment/challenge to someone and not knowing what else to do for acceptance.

Writing this down really helped, and I don’t feel this way currently. 

Taking some of that pressure off helped me with finding a way to deal more actively with the issue, like talking to my friends about how I'm feeling, praying in the moment, reading Biblical texts, devotionals, books and listening to Hillsong Young & Free’s P E A C E linked here a lot more seriously.

If you ever feel so frustrated and so angry that you're burning in the belly and feel like a heavy weight you can't seem to get off is on your chest, take a moment to talk to God about how you're feeling. Turn that anger over to Him and try to calm yourself while you wait to hear from Him. It helps to listen to soothing music while you breathe - a song I am currently in love with is Just Breathe by Natalie Lauren also linked here